mmmmmmmmmmmm

i wish i could drop out of reality into a world of gumdrop houses, and cotton candy puppies.

Semi Charmed Life

Hahaa.

ALONE!

Good god I hate where I'm at. I think I'm incapable of working human relationships. How long will I need to play catch up? Pity pity pity.


crycrycryboohoohoo

etc

Everclear

They said you called me maybe yesterday
I dont even have the strength to pick up the phone
Wouldnt even know me since you went away
The prozac doesnt do it for me anymore

You ought to take your medication everyday
Be a good dog, live life in a wonderful way

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too

I heard those stupid people talk about you again
I just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
Their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
You are neurotic and depressed
It doesnt mean that youre sad

You walk around oblivious to everything
You wear that party dress and black mascara
Like youre queen for the day

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too

I will never be normal like you
You walk around oblivious to everyone
I see you walking slow and simple
Underneath the big black sun

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be complacent

Yes, I get closer
To the place inside where I can be sedated

Yes, I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too
Where I can be normal like you
Maybe normal like you
I can be normal like you

Death

My grandfather died a few weeks ago; alone in a home. They called my aunt from the home he'd been put in to say they'd lost him, couldn't find him anywhere. He died alone and unaccounted for. There was a time when this would have sent me reeling, but now it just seems one more fact, one more testament to the coldness of this world, to the utter meaninglessness. A good man died alone, completely alone, while his daughter and son lived their busy lives in their homes elsewhere, and he died conveniently- for them, at least. I don't know what to feel, and I'm not going to act.

The night my grandfather died neither my father or my aunt talked to me, but rather had my mother tell me. Neither one called later. Neither one wants a funeral. Neither one wants a memorial. Neither one seems to want anything to do with it, and a Merry Christmas, all. Here's to one more year of stale obligatory familial prison. What bullshit it all is. My poor grandfather. I'm so sorry about any and all of it. What a shitty way for people to be and live life. I wish I wasn't a part of it.

A week or so ago a girl I went to school with for five years was brutally murdered by her ex boyfriend. She was shot and stabbed by someone who claimed to love her. I never knew the girl very well. I'm not sure we ever had more than one class together, and yet one night before we both graduated, at a party a friend of mine was having, she took me aside and surprised me with her depth of caring and just unexpected genuine regard. She told me she thought I was a really smart girl and how she knew I'd do well, and I honestly felt enormous respect for her. She had a sort of spirit I envied, brave and bold and fiercely feminine. And she's dead at 21. I'm sure she could have done a lot with herself, and I don't mean fame and fortune and all of that bullshit we mistake for a well lived life.

And there it is. An old man, and a young woman. One died alone and in relative peace, one brutally, both with much more to live and to give than they had time or opportunity for.

writing

i've strayed from writing. instead of writing about the straying i could write. i have ideas. i have time. i just need to do it. so. soon.


welcome to my mundane inner thoughts.


what in hell is a blog for again?

whatever i'm called

I've done nothing but cry and think and cry and think and live the last few days. I feel like there isn't enough room in the world for me to be able to be. Too many conflicting visions and realities, and I'm gone. My own presence invalidates me. Even I don't believe in me. I don't know why I feel I'm not allowed to exist, but it seems to prove true. I don't know if I can go a lifetime in two dimensions. And once again I am exhausted.

Mania

We use a variety of different terms to describe one thing. At least when it has to do with common discourse we all know what it means. I'm manic, bipolar, schizophrenic in thought. I'm scattered. That's what that means. Nothing more or less.

I'm scattered, stuck between planes yet in both places at once, and I am tired of neat packages, tired phrases and meaningless crutches along the road. I guess this means I embrace this mania. Because the only antidote is delusion, and that's the disease. Insane! Insane! Lol. Excuse me, I've lost my mind for a minute.

I'm tired of quick answers to questions that serve to soothe and never turn out, and I'm tired of formulaic relationships. I'm tired of cycles and I'm tired of paths, and I'm tired of a future that seems overwhelmingly lack lustre. I'm tired of living in a world that requires me to act constantly and I'm tired of living in a mind that allows compliance. I am tired tired tired of everything being so shitty and somehow always being broke with nothing to show for it.Lol.

But I guess I'm thrilled to be here. It's the only place to be.

I wonder if I have any peers. What groups can I belong to, to make this empty space sparkle?

What answers can I mine from these reserves?

Pray and think positive.
Get out and vote.
Love yourself.
Eat Healthy.
Experiment.

Whatever.

I'm tired of thinking in these manic circles, but I'd find comfort in them if I had a happy peer. Meh.

Off to apply myself to studies and seem less crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if everything isn't delusion.

Ideal Political Candidate

Kucinich!

2008 Election

Who is Your
Perfect Candidate?

Black Friday

It's Black Friday, one of the most superficial and empty days of the year- at a glance. But then, what really makes it different from the rest of the year? The sales. That's it. The rest is the same. American culture obsessed with mostly useless meaningless shit, because there's nothing else. And there really isn't. Entire communities, vast stretches of the American landscape are littered with malls and shops, built around them, in fact.

They say everyone gets depressed around the holidays. Is it that we all realize we can't afford all of this shit we buy to fill the void, or is it the really depressing part the realization that that's what we're doing- buying to fill an empty space? The holidays bring to light both the richness and the lack. It's enough to make one sick to be so rich with material crap in one of the richest countries in the world, and yet utterly vacant- spiritually, psychologically, whatever you want to say.

I try and keep positive about the holidays. No money and the realization that that doesn't even touch real poverty, another year in pathetic, fearful solitude, etc etc...well, it makes some parts of it hard. All one can do is close one's eyes and jump into the current. This holiday beast is bigger than I am. I'm along for the ride, and it isn't so bad with your eyes closed- over in a jiff, and leaving you wondering what the big deal was at all. I'll be coughing up tinsel til May, picking things up off the dresser wondering who in hell buys things like that when it was probably me in the first place, wondering when the last time was that I talked to family, wondering who even cares anyway.

I'm swimming dangerously near the shores of apathy. Shit, I'm probably there and don't even know. I don't care enough to look closely. My thoughts are dim gray and thinly spread over everything, dilluted, essentially nothing. I'm thinking I've got life set up alright at the moment, but right now I don't care much for it. I'm doing what I am doing because it's what there is in front of me to do. There doesn't even seem to be much choice involved. I look at that long stretch of life in front of me and wonder how in hell I'll even manage to fill it up.

Technically I like it though. I mean. It's working ok, so no complaints. No major ones. Nothing to get one off one's ass.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, or maybe just non existence. I get so tired of nothing I wonder what it would be like to sleep THAT deep. Just vague wonder. It's obvious that those sorts of things don't cure the desire to escape nothing. Deepest sleep, death. That's nothing, and that's what I'm tired of.

Oh,my, the circles.

Lol.

Anyway.

Off to think of something plastic I'll be needing this December.