Where's my Cake?

I actually got that all done from 8-12. Because I fucking rock the procrastination. Turned the paper in exactly 3 minutes before deadline. Right on.

Complaining, Procrastinating

In a poetry class now, now as in "this semester". I'm getting a similar feeling as I did from being an art major. Self importance, over confidence, judgment. I realize that to learn, we must take ourselves seriously, but... well, this level of it is somewhat nauseating. I like art for its jubilation, its expression, its ability to let us laugh at ourselves through words, language and form. I didn't want this to increase my misanthropy. I went in with HOPE. Bright and soaring. But people are selfish and boring. Myself likely included. But if everyone else gets their delusions, I get mine.

At least the grad student prof has calmed down a bit. She had claws out in the beginning. Maybe now she realizes nobody in this class poses a challenge.

I have a damn paper due in a few hours and two one pagers due tomorrow for poetry.

I like school, but I fucking hate school.

Charm Fades

How long does it take before the charm fades, and instead of being a novel person you're just another asshole? Does everyone fear being normal? Is it so bad? Trying to be novel is the new future asshole thing isn't it.

Frames too big for the pictures.

March 2, Actually

Thinking aloud....but not. Thinking quietly on a screen.

I have a chance to move in with a friend. This'll probably be good, I guess. I can't seem to get excited much. She might have her baby move down, and I don't know how I'd feel about that. Not that it's a bad thing. I love kids, I'm good with kids, and I think it'd be enjoyable, but- I'd be kind of an extra player in a story that shouldn't really involve me. And no matter how silly it seems, I get this anxiety about every possible choice....I'm getting too OLD for everything. This may just be a side effect of being between adolescence and adulthood. I'm twenty, and feel like I should be some sort of valid human being with a life and things happening for her. Mostly I feel like an extra player in other people's stories. Same old mind game I seem to always play. I'm too OLD for that, too. Heh. I'm too old for these steps. They should have happened years ago. The getting a life thing. But I remain mostly uninterested. There must be a name for this syndrome. Perhaps lazy. Perhaps Whogivesafuckitis.

I think the only reason it bothers me a bit is because it's supposed to bother me. And if it doesn't, I must be defective. And if I'm defective, well, .......I can't believe in myself.

I think I want a man and a house and a yard and a dog and a car and a thick savings account. I think I'm supposed to.

Men don't do it for me. I tried it. heh. I tried it in youthful ignorant sloppy fashion, and it left me feeling hollow. And ignorant. Very ignorant. But sort of more valid, in a way.

But I can't live my life alone. Always the bridesmaid never the bride? Lol. Isn't that supposed to be the epitome of sad??

I don't want to be the epitome of sad. I can't handle being a stereotype. I'll end up seeing myself acted out on primetime tv, and all my dignity will have fled.

Constant state of embarrassment.

Maybe I'd rather be neat and mysterious. Married to art. An Andy Warhol type. But that only works in big cities, and even then... isn't it all a bit shallow? In love with art??

I don't want to be the epitome of trite.

If that's even correct.

I have a headache.

I have dreams of sleeping. Daydreams.

I have dreams of waking.

I'm never really rested.

I have a headache.



Kim's stream of consciousness ramble post march 2. heh.

March 3

Winter is ending, and with it the shallow tense feeling of dark and cold. The sun lingers longer every day now, hinting and teasing. This summer I could sleep every day under a tree and be satisfied. Nothing is as simply beautiful.

Sun and Sleep. I don't think I want much more.

mmmmmmmmmmmm

i wish i could drop out of reality into a world of gumdrop houses, and cotton candy puppies.

Semi Charmed Life

Hahaa.

ALONE!

Good god I hate where I'm at. I think I'm incapable of working human relationships. How long will I need to play catch up? Pity pity pity.


crycrycryboohoohoo

etc

Everclear

They said you called me maybe yesterday
I dont even have the strength to pick up the phone
Wouldnt even know me since you went away
The prozac doesnt do it for me anymore

You ought to take your medication everyday
Be a good dog, live life in a wonderful way

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too

I heard those stupid people talk about you again
I just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
Their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
You are neurotic and depressed
It doesnt mean that youre sad

You walk around oblivious to everything
You wear that party dress and black mascara
Like youre queen for the day

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too

I will never be normal like you
You walk around oblivious to everyone
I see you walking slow and simple
Underneath the big black sun

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be complacent

Yes, I get closer
To the place inside where I can be sedated

Yes, I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too
Where I can be normal like you
Maybe normal like you
I can be normal like you

Death

My grandfather died a few weeks ago; alone in a home. They called my aunt from the home he'd been put in to say they'd lost him, couldn't find him anywhere. He died alone and unaccounted for. There was a time when this would have sent me reeling, but now it just seems one more fact, one more testament to the coldness of this world, to the utter meaninglessness. A good man died alone, completely alone, while his daughter and son lived their busy lives in their homes elsewhere, and he died conveniently- for them, at least. I don't know what to feel, and I'm not going to act.

The night my grandfather died neither my father or my aunt talked to me, but rather had my mother tell me. Neither one called later. Neither one wants a funeral. Neither one wants a memorial. Neither one seems to want anything to do with it, and a Merry Christmas, all. Here's to one more year of stale obligatory familial prison. What bullshit it all is. My poor grandfather. I'm so sorry about any and all of it. What a shitty way for people to be and live life. I wish I wasn't a part of it.

A week or so ago a girl I went to school with for five years was brutally murdered by her ex boyfriend. She was shot and stabbed by someone who claimed to love her. I never knew the girl very well. I'm not sure we ever had more than one class together, and yet one night before we both graduated, at a party a friend of mine was having, she took me aside and surprised me with her depth of caring and just unexpected genuine regard. She told me she thought I was a really smart girl and how she knew I'd do well, and I honestly felt enormous respect for her. She had a sort of spirit I envied, brave and bold and fiercely feminine. And she's dead at 21. I'm sure she could have done a lot with herself, and I don't mean fame and fortune and all of that bullshit we mistake for a well lived life.

And there it is. An old man, and a young woman. One died alone and in relative peace, one brutally, both with much more to live and to give than they had time or opportunity for.