mmmmmmmmmmmm

i wish i could drop out of reality into a world of gumdrop houses, and cotton candy puppies.

Semi Charmed Life

Hahaa.

ALONE!

Good god I hate where I'm at. I think I'm incapable of working human relationships. How long will I need to play catch up? Pity pity pity.


crycrycryboohoohoo

etc

Everclear

They said you called me maybe yesterday
I dont even have the strength to pick up the phone
Wouldnt even know me since you went away
The prozac doesnt do it for me anymore

You ought to take your medication everyday
Be a good dog, live life in a wonderful way

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too

I heard those stupid people talk about you again
I just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad
Their simple minds just cannot seem to understand
You are neurotic and depressed
It doesnt mean that youre sad

You walk around oblivious to everything
You wear that party dress and black mascara
Like youre queen for the day

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too

I will never be normal like you
You walk around oblivious to everyone
I see you walking slow and simple
Underneath the big black sun

Tell me why you want to be blind
I dont want to be normal like you
I know now, everyday
I get closer
To the place inside where I can be complacent

Yes, I get closer
To the place inside where I can be sedated

Yes, I get closer
To the place inside where I can be normal too
Where I can be normal like you
Maybe normal like you
I can be normal like you

Death

My grandfather died a few weeks ago; alone in a home. They called my aunt from the home he'd been put in to say they'd lost him, couldn't find him anywhere. He died alone and unaccounted for. There was a time when this would have sent me reeling, but now it just seems one more fact, one more testament to the coldness of this world, to the utter meaninglessness. A good man died alone, completely alone, while his daughter and son lived their busy lives in their homes elsewhere, and he died conveniently- for them, at least. I don't know what to feel, and I'm not going to act.

The night my grandfather died neither my father or my aunt talked to me, but rather had my mother tell me. Neither one called later. Neither one wants a funeral. Neither one wants a memorial. Neither one seems to want anything to do with it, and a Merry Christmas, all. Here's to one more year of stale obligatory familial prison. What bullshit it all is. My poor grandfather. I'm so sorry about any and all of it. What a shitty way for people to be and live life. I wish I wasn't a part of it.

A week or so ago a girl I went to school with for five years was brutally murdered by her ex boyfriend. She was shot and stabbed by someone who claimed to love her. I never knew the girl very well. I'm not sure we ever had more than one class together, and yet one night before we both graduated, at a party a friend of mine was having, she took me aside and surprised me with her depth of caring and just unexpected genuine regard. She told me she thought I was a really smart girl and how she knew I'd do well, and I honestly felt enormous respect for her. She had a sort of spirit I envied, brave and bold and fiercely feminine. And she's dead at 21. I'm sure she could have done a lot with herself, and I don't mean fame and fortune and all of that bullshit we mistake for a well lived life.

And there it is. An old man, and a young woman. One died alone and in relative peace, one brutally, both with much more to live and to give than they had time or opportunity for.

writing

i've strayed from writing. instead of writing about the straying i could write. i have ideas. i have time. i just need to do it. so. soon.


welcome to my mundane inner thoughts.


what in hell is a blog for again?

whatever i'm called

I've done nothing but cry and think and cry and think and live the last few days. I feel like there isn't enough room in the world for me to be able to be. Too many conflicting visions and realities, and I'm gone. My own presence invalidates me. Even I don't believe in me. I don't know why I feel I'm not allowed to exist, but it seems to prove true. I don't know if I can go a lifetime in two dimensions. And once again I am exhausted.