Brandy Alexander

Today I didn't feel much like moving. I just lay there, letting things spin around my head, still hung up on a dream. I hated waking. It was pins and needles and butterflies all at once, my breath catching. It was love, I think. I wanted it back. I lay there in boycott. I could've cried.

After showering, I didn't bother dressing. The Chinooks wailed outside. The hairs stood on my wet skin, on the back of my neck.

I left sloppy lipstick kisses on the mirror, the outline of my face, and wiped them away with a towel.

Hours later, in a liquor store parking lot, waiting, Brandy Alexander. Pins and needles and butterflies all at once, my breath catching. Phantom sorrow. Tears for lack.

what should i do when i grow up??

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion ||||||||| 30% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 40% Orderliness ||||||||||||||| 46% Altruism ||||||||||||||| 50% Inquisitiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% You are an Architect, possible professions include - strategic planning, writer, staff development, lawyer, architect, software designer, financial analyst, college professor, photographer, logician, artist, systems analyst, neurologist, physicist, psychologist, research/development specialist, computer programmer, data base manager, chemist, biologist, investigator.

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Immortality Schmimmortality

My body is falling apart! (I am a hypochondriac) My body....is falling.....(chicken little complex)....apart!

So the week before last I spent almost everyday in the hospital. The reason being that my mother had a minor heart attack due, in part, to a heart defect she was born with. Now, I'm twenty one, and I like to think I don't need my mother to be strong for me anymore, but seeing her in a hospital bed, only slightly coherent the first day, suffering, hungry, depressed, and mortal- it scared the hell out of me. My helplessness scared me. Her helplessness scared me. There was literally nothing I could do but take up space in her room and get in the nurse's way.

Being a person with tendencies toward being a hypochondriac, who has panic attacks because her bra's too tight, and maybe she's having a heart attack! - Well I was deeply affected in that sense, too.

I am seriously freaking out. Panic attacks make you dizzy and nauseous, and being dizzy and nauseous makes you have panic attacks when you think you're always sick. I, too, was born with a minor heart defect. One they told me was no big deal, doesn't affect my heart function at all...and yet I can feel things going awry in there sometimes, not just my heart skipping a beat, but... But here's the thing. I think I may actually, possibly, be falling apart. I mean, I'm 21. And my joints ache, and I wore heels a month ago, and my toe still hurts, and I've probably got some kind of fucked up juvenile arthritis or something. I feel weak all of the time, and yesterday I felt like puking for hours straight... I mean what kind of system feels like puking for so long and doesn't just come out and puke. And I'm having headaches, whether I give them to myself or not. Hopefully it's not the immaculate conception II or something even more sinister. Lol. So this is my fond farewell. If you don't see me in at least a few weeks, I have gone on to a better place, where House M.D. is a real guy and works in a hospital right outside my door and indulges me for some reason.

the brightly colored rainbow that is me. :p

obviously i am bored.

The Darjeeling Limited

This was a very fun little intimate ironic movie. :) I was going to write something about it. Then, no.

Panic. Panic. Panic in the streets.

I left school yesterday after poetry class. I was panicked and a bit shaken. I haven't had to leave a place due to a case of the crazies for months now. I tried to write it off as low blood sugar, since I hadn't eaten and that can play tricks on a person like me who's too damn sensitive. I did feel better after eating. I was also home playing hermit for a few hours, though, and that's what really does it for me. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear into my bed and live life reading fiction and not giving a shit about anything but sunny days.

I have fucking class tomorrow. Poetry. Critiques. And I had the bright fortune of having my critique on a day when the prof was out due to emergency, so now I have to fucking repeat it. And everyone hates my poetry. So I get to relive that worthless experience. And I'll be hungry, because who has time to eat when they have class at 8 am. Which means I'll likely be a bit crazy again. And paranoid. And then I'll fall into a shame spiral and wake up in the fetal position in the grass somewhere clutching a tattered copy of my last-minute poem and weeping.

Oh. And then I'll never get a job, and I'll have to beg change off of people from my place in the grass until I grow old and gray and childless.

So tomorrow will be trying. I'll wear black for the sad occasion.

RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT!!!

I think I'll always love this movie.

the greatest

Silver Stallion :)