dark thoughts

part of my self discovery process has to be with dealing with this, and successfully processing through it or incorporating it into a valid part of myself. i will not succumb to denial and band aiding these through refusal to confront. i am, however, still being born in a sense- and therefore i can not carry everything at once. it's important to me to maintain my sense of self here, so it's a very narrow line i walk.

today things that were challenging- thinking about relationships with men, financial aspects growing heavy on me and making me feel slowed down, relationships with friends, romantic life,and confronting my alcohol use.

i will not take these all at once, as it is important to maintain a sense of self- and not a sense of extraneous information that i carry with me.

i have found it useful to focus not on what i can't do, or have been unable to do- but instead on goals i have and developing myself.

things i have accomplished-

beginning a routine- yoga, guitar
processing and letting things pass through me
maintaining a sense of self while also maintaining empathy
making decisions- to save up, slowly buy furnishings for new home- save in storage unit, find a place where i may live alone and build myself as a person
separating fear from actuality
explaining myself only to myself, maintaining focus and sense of importance in goals
letting go of some guilt
no alcohol use

i am tired, a bit worn, and i am sure of myself, and i find it important to say so, as i do struggle a lot with self belief, and guilt.

i know that balancing my physical self with my mental self is crucial to this process, and when i get too wound up in my mind i am going to make it a habit to do some yoga and regain balance.

i am going to do that, put on a comedy, and sleep.






night, world.

:)

i have just finished a yoga session. i feel incredible. i am so relaxed and in my body.

this, guitar, reading and writing will all be nightly or bi nightly rituals in my process. :)

perplexing!

how strange is it that the only way to address oneself is as if one is another person altogether? is this beneficial? makes you take one personal side and one objective side? is this how we can evolve as individuals?

if i write to myself "i" this and "i" that, then i am first speaking about myself, then gathering the information as if it was from a separate party, then having to re- internalize it as mine.

test

this is sort of symbolic. like introducing myself to myself, since this is basically my journal.

when i think of myself i do not see the likeness in this picture in my minds' eye.

i am rarely aware of myself as a physical being, and i have been like this since i was small. i think this greatly affects how i live life. it isn't an obvious way, it is subtle, but powerful, because i begin to feel detached from myself. if i took this to a conclusion, and maybe a far fetched one, who knows and who cares- because this is me talking. to me... i could say this dissonance could be a source of my anxiety. a source. not the source. since my anxiety manifested itself in a very physical way- panic attacks, heart palpitations, trouble breathing, light headedness, i think that could hold some validity.

what i see is a young woman with brown skin and long brown hair and brown eyes and a seeming sense of peace.

as a kid a lot of dissonance was created in me as my parent insisted i was not a person of color. i was white. almost as if i had to earn my own identity. i couldn't develop it, but simply had to live without until i could prove it was me. i am half white. i was not raised by my white father, and i felt no connection to white culture. i was raised a colored girl who didn't deserve her color, and as a white girl who couldn't have much idea what that meant.

so here i see a girl who's identity can't be denied because it's staring her in the face. and i like it.

singing

i think i have finally felt what it should feel like to really sing from the gut (with the diaphragm) and i like it

also

i began the video guitar lessons a certain beautiful friend sent me and it was awesome. total therapy session on a bad day too

i'm writing here to have a visual reference to my progress. hehe.

where i'm at

i am not a realized human being. i used to confuse this with being an unreal human being. i assume i was mistaken. only god would know, and only he knows if he exists.


i sat in my room days ago on the edge of panic and quiet, and i could do only one thing besides feel misplaced, and this was write a list. and so i did.

learn piano
learn guitar
good books: one every two months
improve world knowledge:sci, world events, law, human rights
improve singing
write:poems, stories,a novel
travel: alone, with others
live in several cities
learn at least two languages
visual art
learn true humility
learn true peace
learn true love
learn true empathy
learn strength
become acquainted with myself:male and female
swim in oceans
maintain a healthy physical weight and general state
(try to stop eating dairy and animal products)
sit in quiet for at least an hour a day, and really feel my own and everything's presence

and this is what i feel i can and should be, and what i want to be, and what isn't realized. i'm in such opposition to actual reality i feel like i've got to get out immediately, but it takes time. i know.

i have this sense of home in my mind that i've never felt anywhere in waking life. and it is small and modest and soft on the edges, and it's real. somewhere. or maybe it will be. hopefully.

i'm very emotional today. i've felt very joyful and close to despairing all at once. outside my house there is a tree that looks like a painting. and just to see it is proof enough that life is beautiful.

i hate to seem trite. some things are inexpressible.

this seems to be close to center(ed).

untitled

Sirens’ sound pierces air, cuts this peace
into a thousand parts, condradictions.
In this space earth meets sky, both turn their backs
and cloud is borne in emptiness between.

As if a fly,trapped, ‘tween panes of glass
in murderous sanctuary, maddened
by the free fall and flight of crows catching
wind, bragging blindly aimless liberty.

Two clouds appeared in such hollow space, one
eastward bound one west; one forked breath set
in opposition to itself. I stood
witness from a deep hillside stone cradle.

And on the ground sun cast dark arcs through cloud
managing to shine, weakly, a small path;
met at both ends by large pools of gold light:
an hourglass, born from the obstructed rays.

A reflection of the plight of cloud cast
down on the city of man, faint visible
lines of restriction in time and in space
reminding that nothing on earth is free.

Work

I have got piles of crap to do,and I've taken a very generous lunch. But all I want to do is sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeep. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!

Haha. Reconciling the millions of bills is the last thing I want to do right now. Dammit.



I like my job, though. Surprisingly enough. Enough to sit here and type and look busy.


LOL.

Fall :)

Days are getting colder, and more damp. Fall is setting in, and with it will (hopefully) come a fresh breath. I love fall for this very reason. It's like a reset button on life for me. A time to switch gears a bit. I have a lot to look forward to this fall, the highlight being the birth of my new godson (I'm almost sure that it will be a boy, although there is no evidence), and a possible move into an apartment with a very close friend.

Last fall I was packing up and getting ready for my move to California. It is evident how that turned out. Haha. But that, too, was a time of much learning and it was a definite switch in gears, for better or worse, I couldn't tell you. I did, however, form a better bond with my father and learn a lot about myself, mainly that I am almost exactly like him (this is a big argument for the nature side of the genetics argument! lol)

Late night musings.

It is night time, and I love the night time and very early morning best. The world is alive and yet serene. Daytime can feel so intrusive sometimes, mainly due to people's activity. Fall will be a nice time to get away from it, and maybe take a few visits to the hills and mountains for the changing of the leaves.

Train

I wonder where the train winds in the distance,
for I hear its soulful mourning, lead cadence
pounding o’er the hum of crickets in the dark,
but I have never seen.

Sight is muted in a liquid night, hands’ touch
aimless. One can grope for sight, endless,such
that hours, weeks, a lifetime pass all for naught but
futile clutchings, life’s mean.

And the train goes on, and there is no wisdom
in its cry but true beauty in its kingdom
of static impermanence. Steel grinds on steel,
tracing great paths in soil.

Indifferent, all of it. Earth and metal,
flaxen stalk of wheat, flourishing weed and nettle.
These do not seek meaning in a train’s loud wail,
these do not seek to see.

These follow their natures as do we, blindly
groping for meaning in sky and ground, wildly
hoping we are not left to our own lost minds
to seek meaning from voids.