My body is falling apart! (I am a hypochondriac) My body....is falling.....(chicken little complex)....apart!
So the week before last I spent almost everyday in the hospital. The reason being that my mother had a minor heart attack due, in part, to a heart defect she was born with. Now, I'm twenty one, and I like to think I don't need my mother to be strong for me anymore, but seeing her in a hospital bed, only slightly coherent the first day, suffering, hungry, depressed, and mortal- it scared the hell out of me. My helplessness scared me. Her helplessness scared me. There was literally nothing I could do but take up space in her room and get in the nurse's way.
Being a person with tendencies toward being a hypochondriac, who has panic attacks because her bra's too tight, and maybe she's having a heart attack! - Well I was deeply affected in that sense, too.
I am seriously freaking out. Panic attacks make you dizzy and nauseous, and being dizzy and nauseous makes you have panic attacks when you think you're always sick. I, too, was born with a minor heart defect. One they told me was no big deal, doesn't affect my heart function at all...and yet I can feel things going awry in there sometimes, not just my heart skipping a beat, but... But here's the thing. I think I may actually, possibly, be falling apart. I mean, I'm 21. And my joints ache, and I wore heels a month ago, and my toe still hurts, and I've probably got some kind of fucked up juvenile arthritis or something. I feel weak all of the time, and yesterday I felt like puking for hours straight... I mean what kind of system feels like puking for so long and doesn't just come out and puke. And I'm having headaches, whether I give them to myself or not. Hopefully it's not the immaculate conception II or something even more sinister. Lol. So this is my fond farewell. If you don't see me in at least a few weeks, I have gone on to a better place, where House M.D. is a real guy and works in a hospital right outside my door and indulges me for some reason.
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