Good god I hate where I'm at. I think I'm incapable of working human relationships. How long will I need to play catch up? Pity pity pity.
crycrycryboohoohoo
etc
About Me
- FIERI
- Mad Girl's Love Song -Sylvia Plath I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.) God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan's men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.) I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
4 comments:
I think I'm incapable of working human relationships.
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I feel exactly the same sometimes. Mostly because I have found so few people with whom I can really talk.
I feel kind of mentally dead when around those who like to talk trivia only, and I have a constant urge to talk about more meaningful things.
It is pretty special when you do meet someone with whom you can talk... and it just flows... like wine.
What did you mean by "How long will I need to play catch up?"
I have always had this idea/fear that I am not on the same tier of reality as everyone else, and therefore have to "play catch up" to learn how to join the rest, or at least pretend so I can function on that level. It's very neurotic. Heh.
It's nice when you meet people who you can have good conversations with. I know that sometimes it's my fault when things stay superficial, because it is obviously a safer way to be, but inevitably more empty. So it's my own fault sometimes for being withdrawn, and not being able to connect. But it's a two way street, and it's rare to find someone to connect with on a truly intimate level.
Oh! And I will definitely get back you on the other topic.
I have always had this idea/fear that I am not on the same tier of reality as everyone else, and therefore have to "play catch up" to learn how to join the rest, or at least pretend so I can function on that level. It's very neurotic. Heh.
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I feel very very similarly; that I am unlike virtually anybody else I have ever met. Something about the depth at which I habitually see the world, and the lack of depth with which they see it. I can't believe that people aren't just more aware most of the time. I see people self-aggrandizing all day in work, and the question strikes me with crystal surreality: why aren't they aware of their motivations for doing that? I am. Why aren't they?
This idea of "playing catch up" is interesting. I've never seen it in this way. I feel I have to learn to play "come down" almost. The level I want to talk at most of the time is too much for most people. And the few that I have met who like to talk at that level, I see the way they have to do as you do, and conform in the other areas of their life.
I suppose intellectuals have always had social problems. Tis the way of things.
Woe is us, eh?
I think the problem I have is getting stuck in my mind, not able to really experience properly. I walk around quite a bit with a sense of unreality.
I feel separate from the world of real, rooted, tangible, concrete, and this makes me dysfunctional to an extent.
It's sort of like I don't have a compass with which I can navigate, while it's natural to most.
As far as a lack of self understand and depth you sense in your co-workers, I tend to wonder if it isn't that they simply understand that life requires that sort of behavior to a certain extent, and they are simply skilled at achieving it.
There's a balance that has to be struck. Too much self reflection and you become immobilized, and possibly tip toward egocentric motives as well.
Just vague thoughts.
Heh.
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