My grandfather died a few weeks ago; alone in a home. They called my aunt from the home he'd been put in to say they'd lost him, couldn't find him anywhere. He died alone and unaccounted for. There was a time when this would have sent me reeling, but now it just seems one more fact, one more testament to the coldness of this world, to the utter meaninglessness. A good man died alone, completely alone, while his daughter and son lived their busy lives in their homes elsewhere, and he died conveniently- for them, at least. I don't know what to feel, and I'm not going to act.
The night my grandfather died neither my father or my aunt talked to me, but rather had my mother tell me. Neither one called later. Neither one wants a funeral. Neither one wants a memorial. Neither one seems to want anything to do with it, and a Merry Christmas, all. Here's to one more year of stale obligatory familial prison. What bullshit it all is. My poor grandfather. I'm so sorry about any and all of it. What a shitty way for people to be and live life. I wish I wasn't a part of it.
A week or so ago a girl I went to school with for five years was brutally murdered by her ex boyfriend. She was shot and stabbed by someone who claimed to love her. I never knew the girl very well. I'm not sure we ever had more than one class together, and yet one night before we both graduated, at a party a friend of mine was having, she took me aside and surprised me with her depth of caring and just unexpected genuine regard. She told me she thought I was a really smart girl and how she knew I'd do well, and I honestly felt enormous respect for her. She had a sort of spirit I envied, brave and bold and fiercely feminine. And she's dead at 21. I'm sure she could have done a lot with herself, and I don't mean fame and fortune and all of that bullshit we mistake for a well lived life.
And there it is. An old man, and a young woman. One died alone and in relative peace, one brutally, both with much more to live and to give than they had time or opportunity for.
About Me
- FIERI
- Mad Girl's Love Song -Sylvia Plath I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.) God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan's men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.) I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)
4 comments:
This was a very thoughtful entry. I can relate a lot to the familial problems you seem to be talking about here. And the apathy they, and the rest of young life for some, can foster in you. I feel very much apathetic towards life at the moment. I am ill. My girlfriend left me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, even those I could before.
You don't choose your family, you only choose how to escape them. I always envy people I know who are 'of' their family; who are like them. I am not.
See you over on introspectives.org... I just joined.
Drop me a pm or something. I'll be happy to talk with you. Looks like you're having a rough time.
I was having a crappy time when I wrote this, and events never help any. Sometimes I think it'd be best to grow a thick skin and be unaffected. Usually when I say I'm not affected, it means I am and don't have any idea how I'm supposed to feel about it.
Wow. While I was so busy being self-centered, I guess I missed all this. I'm very sorry, K.
You know, I read somewhere that when people die, the folks around them tend to have more sex. It's as though they try to affirm their own lives. I don't know that I do/did that. I write. You do, too -- and yes, I saw the post below this one. Write, sister. Affirm. You are here, and present, and not alone.
P&L...Sug
Thanks, Sugah.
I think there's definitely something to that. Even if not sexual, then just affirming one's presence physically. I'm someone who tends to live passively and get stuck in my mind, and lately I have been really asserting my physical presence in different areas... I think it's probably healthy.
Post a Comment