March 2, Actually

Thinking aloud....but not. Thinking quietly on a screen.

I have a chance to move in with a friend. This'll probably be good, I guess. I can't seem to get excited much. She might have her baby move down, and I don't know how I'd feel about that. Not that it's a bad thing. I love kids, I'm good with kids, and I think it'd be enjoyable, but- I'd be kind of an extra player in a story that shouldn't really involve me. And no matter how silly it seems, I get this anxiety about every possible choice....I'm getting too OLD for everything. This may just be a side effect of being between adolescence and adulthood. I'm twenty, and feel like I should be some sort of valid human being with a life and things happening for her. Mostly I feel like an extra player in other people's stories. Same old mind game I seem to always play. I'm too OLD for that, too. Heh. I'm too old for these steps. They should have happened years ago. The getting a life thing. But I remain mostly uninterested. There must be a name for this syndrome. Perhaps lazy. Perhaps Whogivesafuckitis.

I think the only reason it bothers me a bit is because it's supposed to bother me. And if it doesn't, I must be defective. And if I'm defective, well, .......I can't believe in myself.

I think I want a man and a house and a yard and a dog and a car and a thick savings account. I think I'm supposed to.

Men don't do it for me. I tried it. heh. I tried it in youthful ignorant sloppy fashion, and it left me feeling hollow. And ignorant. Very ignorant. But sort of more valid, in a way.

But I can't live my life alone. Always the bridesmaid never the bride? Lol. Isn't that supposed to be the epitome of sad??

I don't want to be the epitome of sad. I can't handle being a stereotype. I'll end up seeing myself acted out on primetime tv, and all my dignity will have fled.

Constant state of embarrassment.

Maybe I'd rather be neat and mysterious. Married to art. An Andy Warhol type. But that only works in big cities, and even then... isn't it all a bit shallow? In love with art??

I don't want to be the epitome of trite.

If that's even correct.

I have a headache.

I have dreams of sleeping. Daydreams.

I have dreams of waking.

I'm never really rested.

I have a headache.



Kim's stream of consciousness ramble post march 2. heh.