Fieri

to become, Latin

Fieri

Proud, Italian

Fie

Dark of peace, Scottish

Eri

My guardian, my awake one, my city, Hebrew

Eri

Blessed with reason, blessed prize, Japanese

Ri

Logic, reason, justice, truth, Japanese

IN FIERI. In the course of execution; a thing commenced but not completed. A
 record is said to be in fieri during the term of the court, and, during that
 time, it may be amended or altered at the sound discretion of the court. See
 2 B. & Adol. 971. 

Names

What is in a name? Nothing but a lot of implications about who you are and where you came from. I've always disliked my name, not in itself really, but in the fact that I do not feel like my name- sometimes on particularly heady days I even forget what the hell it is- it takes me a minute to recall. I am not attached to it. I don't feel it represents me. Along with the name comes a sort of ownership. It is the name that was given me. It is the identity that was given me, I didn't make it, I can't be it, I don't like it, and I think I may finally change my name after a life time of ill fit.

Doing that thing again...

Where I'm analyzing myself and life through other's eyes- or what I perceive that to be. Reminding myself to STOP THAT.


I had a nice long walk by the lake in Boulder today. The colors are beautiful. It rained a little. It was bliss, really.

Quiet

I realize the times when my singing gets bad or tight are when I'm holding back- trying to be quiet. I'm so used to being quiet. But I like what I sound like when I'm loud. I think I might actually have some soul. Mhmm.

Worn out!!!

I just did my yoga, but was interrupted. May have to do some again. I am worn out! Normal living ain't easy- I'm still getting so filled up with everyone's energy that by the end of the day I am exhausted whether I've done much technically or not.

I went to class, went to work, did my yoga routine twice, and called everyone to invite them to the baby shower. A piece of me is worried about that. I am not the party throwing type. I'm going to go ahead and look for party ideas, and hope everything's turning out.

Letting go of what isn't mine to control, and doing my best with the rest.

*yawn*

The edge of crying and joy

I received two packages from Pennsylvania, my Irish family all lives out there. Anyway. Inside is a ton of pictures, and it's seriously - wow. I don't know. I just feel much more whole right now, and it's almost scary. So much you can learn from a few candid snapshots. I miss these people I've never known.

Below is gramma, grampa, papa and me.

all my eggs in one basket

i've just put all my eggs in one basket. no, i mean literally. i have a small novelty basket, and i've just placed all of my large painted eggs in it. then i realized, "hey, i've put all my eggs in one basket." and i'm neurotic. this means this is some big sign from the universe to me. or maybe my dead grandmother showing me her sense of humor. these all belonged to my grandfather and her. i've just opened a package with three eggs and a basket in it, all loose, and i proceeded to act out an age old saying.

Family Drama.

NEVER ends.

We have all been worked up for the past few months. A lot has gone on. A lot is always going on. Lately it's been talk of divorces, violence, and the impending death of my grandfather-so we thought.

It turns out my uncle was using my grandfather's cancer as a manipulation tool, or at best was simply mistaken about the extent of the illness- I , for one, don't really buy that version. Due to my grandfather's cancer, my uncle has had free room and board, free phone, and free liquor. He has not had to work because he has had trouble with the law, was finding it difficult to find a job, and so the family decided that we'd have him care for my grandfather full time and that would be the way in which he earns his keep. He has been taking my grandfather to his appointments and acting as translator- my grandfather speaks very spotty English, and has been relaying all of the information to us- so we thought. Turns out the cancer my uncle was telling everyone would have grandpa six feet under by January is highly treatable, and my grandfather likely has years and years left in his life. These two sentiments aren't really things you can mistake. I mean. Immediate death versus highly treatable contained cancer with low proabability of fatality.......hmmmmm...Fucking Jimmy. I love him. I really do, but seriously...'Fucking Jimmy' followed by a head shake is beginning to be his full name.

Distractions

Work is weighing down on me. I'm doing well. My boss is good to me, and some of the people in the office are really glad to have me, one is really pushing that I get a raise. I am lucky to have this job. It's the best I have ever had, and yet I feel like I have to play these games to keep moving on, and all I really want to do is my job. I am a good worker. I want to just do that.

My boss is constantly trying to talk me into dating a man from upstairs. He's a nice enough guy, but I don't date and I certainly don't date now when I am trying to focus on finding my identity. I know I am not the typical twenty something, and I know people don't really understand me and why I do what I do. This really bogs down on me. I don't need to explain my choices to other people. I have reasons for why I choose to do what I do, but how can I reconcile this with a work atmosphere, and all of these roles that I am supposed to wear to go along with it?

I want to be able to be me. I don't want to have to fend off romantic advances and set ups at work. I don't want things to be expected of me because of the way I look and act, and I don't want to have to pretend I am something I am not.

I just want to be. I want to be left to be.

I am embarking on something important. I refuse to get caught up in things.

A restatement of purpose is in order, and a reorganizing of the WHY- so that I may be confident in my commitments to myself.

WHY

1. I will never be a realized human being while I am in dissonance with the reality i live.
2. I will never be happy if I am not a realized human being.
3. I am strong and I am smart and I have goals to accomplish- this is most important to me- not other people's perceptions.



I need to refocus on what my perspective is, not other's. I am tired. I am going to close my eyes for a few minutes and refocus. God can I get cluttered if I don't maintain purpose constantly.

Morning

It's beautiful out. I sat in the garden this morning thinking. I sense dissonance in all three of my best friends- sisters.

I am going to reach out, and show gestures of love and kindness which I can sometimes neglect.

I have also decided I will edit and submit some of my writing, and see what happens. Writing is an important part of realizing myself as a person. I'm also going to buy a journal which will hold only my finished drafts. I've wanted to do this for a while, and gather all of my scattered bits into one place where I can have a good physical example, and marked progress.