Fieri

to become, Latin

Fieri

Proud, Italian

Fie

Dark of peace, Scottish

Eri

My guardian, my awake one, my city, Hebrew

Eri

Blessed with reason, blessed prize, Japanese

Ri

Logic, reason, justice, truth, Japanese

IN FIERI. In the course of execution; a thing commenced but not completed. A
 record is said to be in fieri during the term of the court, and, during that
 time, it may be amended or altered at the sound discretion of the court. See
 2 B. & Adol. 971. 

Names

What is in a name? Nothing but a lot of implications about who you are and where you came from. I've always disliked my name, not in itself really, but in the fact that I do not feel like my name- sometimes on particularly heady days I even forget what the hell it is- it takes me a minute to recall. I am not attached to it. I don't feel it represents me. Along with the name comes a sort of ownership. It is the name that was given me. It is the identity that was given me, I didn't make it, I can't be it, I don't like it, and I think I may finally change my name after a life time of ill fit.

Doing that thing again...

Where I'm analyzing myself and life through other's eyes- or what I perceive that to be. Reminding myself to STOP THAT.


I had a nice long walk by the lake in Boulder today. The colors are beautiful. It rained a little. It was bliss, really.

Quiet

I realize the times when my singing gets bad or tight are when I'm holding back- trying to be quiet. I'm so used to being quiet. But I like what I sound like when I'm loud. I think I might actually have some soul. Mhmm.

Worn out!!!

I just did my yoga, but was interrupted. May have to do some again. I am worn out! Normal living ain't easy- I'm still getting so filled up with everyone's energy that by the end of the day I am exhausted whether I've done much technically or not.

I went to class, went to work, did my yoga routine twice, and called everyone to invite them to the baby shower. A piece of me is worried about that. I am not the party throwing type. I'm going to go ahead and look for party ideas, and hope everything's turning out.

Letting go of what isn't mine to control, and doing my best with the rest.

*yawn*

The edge of crying and joy

I received two packages from Pennsylvania, my Irish family all lives out there. Anyway. Inside is a ton of pictures, and it's seriously - wow. I don't know. I just feel much more whole right now, and it's almost scary. So much you can learn from a few candid snapshots. I miss these people I've never known.

Below is gramma, grampa, papa and me.

all my eggs in one basket

i've just put all my eggs in one basket. no, i mean literally. i have a small novelty basket, and i've just placed all of my large painted eggs in it. then i realized, "hey, i've put all my eggs in one basket." and i'm neurotic. this means this is some big sign from the universe to me. or maybe my dead grandmother showing me her sense of humor. these all belonged to my grandfather and her. i've just opened a package with three eggs and a basket in it, all loose, and i proceeded to act out an age old saying.

Family Drama.

NEVER ends.

We have all been worked up for the past few months. A lot has gone on. A lot is always going on. Lately it's been talk of divorces, violence, and the impending death of my grandfather-so we thought.

It turns out my uncle was using my grandfather's cancer as a manipulation tool, or at best was simply mistaken about the extent of the illness- I , for one, don't really buy that version. Due to my grandfather's cancer, my uncle has had free room and board, free phone, and free liquor. He has not had to work because he has had trouble with the law, was finding it difficult to find a job, and so the family decided that we'd have him care for my grandfather full time and that would be the way in which he earns his keep. He has been taking my grandfather to his appointments and acting as translator- my grandfather speaks very spotty English, and has been relaying all of the information to us- so we thought. Turns out the cancer my uncle was telling everyone would have grandpa six feet under by January is highly treatable, and my grandfather likely has years and years left in his life. These two sentiments aren't really things you can mistake. I mean. Immediate death versus highly treatable contained cancer with low proabability of fatality.......hmmmmm...Fucking Jimmy. I love him. I really do, but seriously...'Fucking Jimmy' followed by a head shake is beginning to be his full name.

Distractions

Work is weighing down on me. I'm doing well. My boss is good to me, and some of the people in the office are really glad to have me, one is really pushing that I get a raise. I am lucky to have this job. It's the best I have ever had, and yet I feel like I have to play these games to keep moving on, and all I really want to do is my job. I am a good worker. I want to just do that.

My boss is constantly trying to talk me into dating a man from upstairs. He's a nice enough guy, but I don't date and I certainly don't date now when I am trying to focus on finding my identity. I know I am not the typical twenty something, and I know people don't really understand me and why I do what I do. This really bogs down on me. I don't need to explain my choices to other people. I have reasons for why I choose to do what I do, but how can I reconcile this with a work atmosphere, and all of these roles that I am supposed to wear to go along with it?

I want to be able to be me. I don't want to have to fend off romantic advances and set ups at work. I don't want things to be expected of me because of the way I look and act, and I don't want to have to pretend I am something I am not.

I just want to be. I want to be left to be.

I am embarking on something important. I refuse to get caught up in things.

A restatement of purpose is in order, and a reorganizing of the WHY- so that I may be confident in my commitments to myself.

WHY

1. I will never be a realized human being while I am in dissonance with the reality i live.
2. I will never be happy if I am not a realized human being.
3. I am strong and I am smart and I have goals to accomplish- this is most important to me- not other people's perceptions.



I need to refocus on what my perspective is, not other's. I am tired. I am going to close my eyes for a few minutes and refocus. God can I get cluttered if I don't maintain purpose constantly.

Morning

It's beautiful out. I sat in the garden this morning thinking. I sense dissonance in all three of my best friends- sisters.

I am going to reach out, and show gestures of love and kindness which I can sometimes neglect.

I have also decided I will edit and submit some of my writing, and see what happens. Writing is an important part of realizing myself as a person. I'm also going to buy a journal which will hold only my finished drafts. I've wanted to do this for a while, and gather all of my scattered bits into one place where I can have a good physical example, and marked progress.

today

Today was a positive day. I succeeded in finishing a poem- not completely sure I'm DONE done with it, but I'm satisfied for now. I did some light yoga, fiddled with the guitar and kept good balance. Work will be a tough place to keep balance, even while I am really lucky to have that environment- it is the least stressful work environment I have ever had- it is easy for me to get too inside my head, and too filled with everyone else's energies. Today I listened to music a lot and that helped. I kept quiet and in my office for most of the day, ate a healthy lunch, and took my time with things. I felt good by the end of the day. I am now pretty tired.

*Adding learning how to sleep when I want and need to to my list*

dream

i had a dream heavy and real and cold
as steel. masses of us moved as a whole
and yet each step was taken in complete
isolation. on and on toward a steep
coal hillside we teemed , quite emotionless

it rained. in the air clung feather whitewash
as the ground grew thick with soot which hushed
our soundless stepping. up and up we emptied
onto a bridge of lead.here a human mimed,
sexless and mute, from a still white pillar

a writhing sea of minds regarded it,
bodies still as stone in the deafening thick.
pillars stretched for miles and years,
the bridge went on for centuries.

and then, at the peak of the nearest pillar
the one who mimed reached out wide,
its message lost even to itself
and here a man tumbled over as smoke ascends- silently,
hat and scarf billowing after him.

dark thoughts

part of my self discovery process has to be with dealing with this, and successfully processing through it or incorporating it into a valid part of myself. i will not succumb to denial and band aiding these through refusal to confront. i am, however, still being born in a sense- and therefore i can not carry everything at once. it's important to me to maintain my sense of self here, so it's a very narrow line i walk.

today things that were challenging- thinking about relationships with men, financial aspects growing heavy on me and making me feel slowed down, relationships with friends, romantic life,and confronting my alcohol use.

i will not take these all at once, as it is important to maintain a sense of self- and not a sense of extraneous information that i carry with me.

i have found it useful to focus not on what i can't do, or have been unable to do- but instead on goals i have and developing myself.

things i have accomplished-

beginning a routine- yoga, guitar
processing and letting things pass through me
maintaining a sense of self while also maintaining empathy
making decisions- to save up, slowly buy furnishings for new home- save in storage unit, find a place where i may live alone and build myself as a person
separating fear from actuality
explaining myself only to myself, maintaining focus and sense of importance in goals
letting go of some guilt
no alcohol use

i am tired, a bit worn, and i am sure of myself, and i find it important to say so, as i do struggle a lot with self belief, and guilt.

i know that balancing my physical self with my mental self is crucial to this process, and when i get too wound up in my mind i am going to make it a habit to do some yoga and regain balance.

i am going to do that, put on a comedy, and sleep.






night, world.

:)

i have just finished a yoga session. i feel incredible. i am so relaxed and in my body.

this, guitar, reading and writing will all be nightly or bi nightly rituals in my process. :)

perplexing!

how strange is it that the only way to address oneself is as if one is another person altogether? is this beneficial? makes you take one personal side and one objective side? is this how we can evolve as individuals?

if i write to myself "i" this and "i" that, then i am first speaking about myself, then gathering the information as if it was from a separate party, then having to re- internalize it as mine.

test

this is sort of symbolic. like introducing myself to myself, since this is basically my journal.

when i think of myself i do not see the likeness in this picture in my minds' eye.

i am rarely aware of myself as a physical being, and i have been like this since i was small. i think this greatly affects how i live life. it isn't an obvious way, it is subtle, but powerful, because i begin to feel detached from myself. if i took this to a conclusion, and maybe a far fetched one, who knows and who cares- because this is me talking. to me... i could say this dissonance could be a source of my anxiety. a source. not the source. since my anxiety manifested itself in a very physical way- panic attacks, heart palpitations, trouble breathing, light headedness, i think that could hold some validity.

what i see is a young woman with brown skin and long brown hair and brown eyes and a seeming sense of peace.

as a kid a lot of dissonance was created in me as my parent insisted i was not a person of color. i was white. almost as if i had to earn my own identity. i couldn't develop it, but simply had to live without until i could prove it was me. i am half white. i was not raised by my white father, and i felt no connection to white culture. i was raised a colored girl who didn't deserve her color, and as a white girl who couldn't have much idea what that meant.

so here i see a girl who's identity can't be denied because it's staring her in the face. and i like it.

singing

i think i have finally felt what it should feel like to really sing from the gut (with the diaphragm) and i like it

also

i began the video guitar lessons a certain beautiful friend sent me and it was awesome. total therapy session on a bad day too

i'm writing here to have a visual reference to my progress. hehe.

where i'm at

i am not a realized human being. i used to confuse this with being an unreal human being. i assume i was mistaken. only god would know, and only he knows if he exists.


i sat in my room days ago on the edge of panic and quiet, and i could do only one thing besides feel misplaced, and this was write a list. and so i did.

learn piano
learn guitar
good books: one every two months
improve world knowledge:sci, world events, law, human rights
improve singing
write:poems, stories,a novel
travel: alone, with others
live in several cities
learn at least two languages
visual art
learn true humility
learn true peace
learn true love
learn true empathy
learn strength
become acquainted with myself:male and female
swim in oceans
maintain a healthy physical weight and general state
(try to stop eating dairy and animal products)
sit in quiet for at least an hour a day, and really feel my own and everything's presence

and this is what i feel i can and should be, and what i want to be, and what isn't realized. i'm in such opposition to actual reality i feel like i've got to get out immediately, but it takes time. i know.

i have this sense of home in my mind that i've never felt anywhere in waking life. and it is small and modest and soft on the edges, and it's real. somewhere. or maybe it will be. hopefully.

i'm very emotional today. i've felt very joyful and close to despairing all at once. outside my house there is a tree that looks like a painting. and just to see it is proof enough that life is beautiful.

i hate to seem trite. some things are inexpressible.

this seems to be close to center(ed).