where i'm at

i am not a realized human being. i used to confuse this with being an unreal human being. i assume i was mistaken. only god would know, and only he knows if he exists.


i sat in my room days ago on the edge of panic and quiet, and i could do only one thing besides feel misplaced, and this was write a list. and so i did.

learn piano
learn guitar
good books: one every two months
improve world knowledge:sci, world events, law, human rights
improve singing
write:poems, stories,a novel
travel: alone, with others
live in several cities
learn at least two languages
visual art
learn true humility
learn true peace
learn true love
learn true empathy
learn strength
become acquainted with myself:male and female
swim in oceans
maintain a healthy physical weight and general state
(try to stop eating dairy and animal products)
sit in quiet for at least an hour a day, and really feel my own and everything's presence

and this is what i feel i can and should be, and what i want to be, and what isn't realized. i'm in such opposition to actual reality i feel like i've got to get out immediately, but it takes time. i know.

i have this sense of home in my mind that i've never felt anywhere in waking life. and it is small and modest and soft on the edges, and it's real. somewhere. or maybe it will be. hopefully.

i'm very emotional today. i've felt very joyful and close to despairing all at once. outside my house there is a tree that looks like a painting. and just to see it is proof enough that life is beautiful.

i hate to seem trite. some things are inexpressible.

this seems to be close to center(ed).