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this is sort of symbolic. like introducing myself to myself, since this is basically my journal.

when i think of myself i do not see the likeness in this picture in my minds' eye.

i am rarely aware of myself as a physical being, and i have been like this since i was small. i think this greatly affects how i live life. it isn't an obvious way, it is subtle, but powerful, because i begin to feel detached from myself. if i took this to a conclusion, and maybe a far fetched one, who knows and who cares- because this is me talking. to me... i could say this dissonance could be a source of my anxiety. a source. not the source. since my anxiety manifested itself in a very physical way- panic attacks, heart palpitations, trouble breathing, light headedness, i think that could hold some validity.

what i see is a young woman with brown skin and long brown hair and brown eyes and a seeming sense of peace.

as a kid a lot of dissonance was created in me as my parent insisted i was not a person of color. i was white. almost as if i had to earn my own identity. i couldn't develop it, but simply had to live without until i could prove it was me. i am half white. i was not raised by my white father, and i felt no connection to white culture. i was raised a colored girl who didn't deserve her color, and as a white girl who couldn't have much idea what that meant.

so here i see a girl who's identity can't be denied because it's staring her in the face. and i like it.